Intention
I can trust

Today
We had our final moon party of the year in a magnificent estate. Christine was house sitting at the estate, so we gathered a small group of women to complete the year. Christine, in her usual fashion had every thing planned out...coat room, sections for cell phones and cameras, and the food spread was beautiful. We gathered on the couches to spill open, rant, cry and say what needed to be said. (Sometimes girls just need to be heard.)

The next part of the evening was extraordinary. She asked us all to review our year and share our accomplishments. As I sat there writing I realized that I was proud of me. I don't say that about myself often, but when I looked over the year I saw that I stood in front of many personally difficult situations and I kept pushing myself to trust. Trust God, trust people, trust myself. It was not easy and I didn't do it perfectly but when I missed the mark I learned from it and tried again. In some cases I reached out and asked for help. When I think about it, that's all I could ever ask of myself ... to try and ask for help when I need it. Basically, I stopped being so dang hard on myself this year. That is a victory in itself.

Look its not like everyday is hell...most days are pretty normal and then where are days where I feel tested...to ask for help...to not do it all by myself... to find creative options...to hang on 2 beats for the next resonant action/feeling/idea. What I celebrate is my willingness to keep at it and prevail.

I have lived much of my life like I am alone...this year I really got that I am NOT alone and I need people. I learned to create trust in my relationships with people. Not just that they know they can trust me...but I know what I need from them to trust them...and I am active in achieving that with them. This year I did that with more people than I ever have before. I had to dig deep to do it and forgive people in my past that I kept using as the proof for why I should not trust people...I even called the boyfriend that broke my heart when I was 19 years old to forgive him this year. I had not talked to him for 20 years. When I was complete I felt lighter and free. I had let the burden go around him and I could see a whole new future of marriage and joy.

Since then I have so much more freedom and let my feelings be known. It has given me sooo much freedom. I am proud of my willingness to do what would have been impossible for me to even think about before. All I could think about was how many people I did not trust because of something that happen when I was 19 years old. I have a whole new life now.

At the moon party as I shared I let it all go. I let them all know who I was and what I was dealing with. I let myself cry in front of them. I let myself celebrate with them. I was vulnerable infront of a whole group of people...like I had never done before.